I recently posted a photo in instagram where I tried to tell a few of my friends to not greet me on my birthday this coming 25. Yes, my birthday is on Christmas. A lot has happened this year and I do not think I am capable of celebrating my own birthday. I know this is those typical stories you see online or on tv, but let me clear it out that I am not doing this one for attention or pity.
I just don’t portray that I am fully happy with my life right now. To be honest, I am not happy with my life, pinapakita ko lang sa lahat na masaya at positive aura ko because I don’t want my friends to worry or someone to ask me if I am doing okay. I am not okay. I am not good. I am not strong. But I am functioning. I have the courage to face it and hide it all in.
i am lost.
I have never found myself. Never. And today, I noticed how fucking lost I really am right now. I have my goals with me, but I still am lost. I no more have a sense of direction. I no more have a clear insight about the end of this path. I no more have a yellow path to guide me, like the wizard of Oz. All I have now is nothing. No Thing. Just the broad and wide description of lost.
I am not that person where I go to certain places just to find myself. No! I am not that. I meditate, just to know and recognize the whole and raw me.